2018 we started building our music studio from scratch with my partner Jovan Ducret. Early 2019 the studio was finally ready and we started with the production of my debut album ‘Alchemy’. Throughought 2017/2018 I had completed many songs on my own and demo versions were given to Jovan who then worked his magic on producing those songs.
So here we were, the most magic on this album was done between March and August 2019 when we were bunkered up in the studio arranging the songs and then recording my vocals and doing the mixing and mastering of the album.
Making this album was a process of learning to accept myself and learning to heal lots of hurt aspects within me. It is no secret the album dealt with break up themes and themes of life after having experienced narcissistic abuse within intimate relationships.
This album was heavy. In fact i said so back when i announced the album’s coming. I said ”this is a dark album”. Back then i said it kind of apologetically because i felt for the longest time like i should not put this music out because of how raw, confessional and personal they were.
I didn’t want people to think of me as a person who sits in a corner lamenting about everything she had been through but at the same time i felt like i wanted to be part of the conversation around healing pain and hurt (no matter the source).
You see, in my work as certified meditation coach and energy healer i see so many people who carry pain but never even admit it to themselves because they feel like i felt: they don’t want to be perceived as weak if they start speaking about what they went through and how it affected them.
I wanted to stop this cycle in my own personal life with my own personal example. Truth is i don’t care what others do, if society is not comfortable addressing heavy issues and would rather self-medicate on perfectly illustrated lives on social media. I care about what i do. I care about making my every move an example. I have been this way since i was little and long before it was trendy to do something like that.
However i am happy that in the years between the release of Alchemy and now (2021 when I am writing this blog) the dialogue has expanded tremendously. There are so many therapists, healers and people on their healing journey that open up about their experiences and have normalized the fact that we can get hurt and broken.
Only through acceptance and acknowledgement can we heal. Stuffing things down and ignoring intense emotions because we are not comfortable acknowledging them only brings more suffering.
Another thing i am extremely happy about is my own personal healing through this album. I wrote those songs because it was therapy for me. This material helped me voice feelings i had suppressed and hurt i had been too proud to admit. Today I am happier than ever. Why? Because this album helped me process the trauma and let it go.
I am not lying when i say ”happier than ever”. That’s because today I am indeed healthier than ever on all areas in my life. This album helped me heal issues that had roots in events way before the break ups the album revolved around. There were existential issues within me that kept on attracting abusive people close to me. My poor boundaries were one of those issues.
Songs like Exit Theme allowed me to laugh at the ways i had been deceived by someone. Angry Letters was very much about healing not being a linear process as I had thought but literally ‘one step forward then two back again’. This song dealt also with me processing the anger that usually emerges after the first waves of being hurt by someone. I was never an angry person but at some point on my healing journey i found myself dealing with this incredible anger for all the times I had allowed people to use my kind nature as means to deception.
And then there was finally the other side. Songs like Haunted and Hater allowed me to see myself on the other side and openly admit that i have moved on and I am not left in bitterness, hurt or hate.
2 years after the ‘Alchemy’ album i have spoken in other songs of mine like ‘Helianthus’ and ‘Picture’ about the transformation my life underwent because of my willingness to examine my wounds and patterns and heal them. I would have never had developed that willingness without the experiences ‘Alchemy’ was about.
In this sense, i can say today, that this album carries in it a lot more than a story. It carries a testament of a person’s rising from the ashes and insisting on living life with their heart fully open.
All my love,